No Shame

Yesterday, some Mormon missionaries came to my door. Now, in the past, this might have caused me to be struck with sudden anxiety and to mumble some excuse and quickly send them away (then felt ashamed for being so curt and ashamed that I was unable to stick up for my beliefs and ashamed to have beliefs that certain members of my family are disappointed by). But yesterday, something amazing happened. I invited them into my home.

I felt a sense of peace wrap itself around me, because I have spent the last 4 years (4 years since my last post!) still evaluating my beliefs. Four years researching, reading, observing, questioning, journaling, searching, and trying to understand emotions like anxiety or shame. And you know what I have come to realize after all that “soul-searching”? It is okay for me to have my own opinions and beliefs! Why should I feel ashamed? Because unlike some LDS members (or people of any other religion/non-religion for that matter), I have spent a lot of energy examining MANY beliefs, and have come to this one on my own. It is okay for me to agree with some parts of American society/beliefs/culture and disagree with others. I don't want to accept any belief or opinion that my family, my culture, or my society take for granted as "the way things are." So invited them in, knowing that I was at peace with my own beliefs, and they were welcome to share whatever they wanted with me.

Do I believe in God, they asked. I responded, "Not the Christian God. But perhaps a God in the sense of an energy or life force that connects living and non-living things in the universe." This felt good. I was stating my beliefs and felt no remorse. I still felt very zen.

Do I believe that family is important, they also asked. I responded, "Absolutely." There are many Christian values (actually just human values, since I am positive they exist with or without the help of Jesus Christ) that I hold true. Thinking of fellow humans as brother and sisters is a wonderful edict. I wish more of our society did this.

There were more questions, both on their part and mine, and the lack of their research and venturing outside of their paradigm became very clear to me. I learned more about their religion and requested that they leave a copy of the Book of Mormon with me, because I am interested in texts that are believed to be “Holy.” I think it is important to be educated about other beliefs/points of view in order to more thoroughly understand what you do, or do not, believe.

When they left, after I declined being baptized in Jesus Christ, I felt liberated. The shame I once had about not sharing the beliefs of the people around me is gone. I have my OWN thoughts, and they are neither good or bad--they just are (and they seem to work and not cause others harm). The work I have put into exploring other perspectives and opening my mind to new ideas is not complete, by any means, but it has taken me so far! I am excited to learn more and to continue to gain knowledge.

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching has become a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. – Bill W.”