C’est Moi Qui Decide

I am not sure when I first starting asking the question. That questions that starts to deconstruct our behavior patterns, the truths we take for granted---the question that starts us on the journey of un-learning all that we have, often subconsciously, learned. This question: how many of our beliefs are based on “reality” and how many of them are based on societal constructs? I believe that the answer isn’t as important as the search for the answer. It is in the discovery that we become closer to what Buddhists would refer to as “enlightened” and what I believe to be a very important form of freedom. As the ancient Greeks said, “know thyself.”

And let me tell you, it is tough. It is a life-long process.

Let’s start with one example of how I shed the skin of a societal construct. It might seem like a minor example, but it had a major effect on taking decisions (worded this way by the French instead of “making decisions”) for my life. After reading up on the chemicals used to create make-up products, I decided that I was going to stop wearing eyeliner and eye shadow on a daily basis. I bought mascara without the toxic chemicals, and still apply that sometimes, but basically decided to be make-up free. Here is what I learned. Society had changed my own mental image of my beauty. For the first month without makeup, I felt like I was “ugly,” “plain.” I dreaded how my middle-school students were going to respond the first day I came to school without makeup. But, actually, very few of them commented, except to say, “there is something different about you today…”

After one month, makeup “free,” I suddenly looked in the mirror and felt like I saw ‘me’—and I was beautiful to myself! I remembered that beauty wasn’t so much about looks, but about the aura a person radiates and the kindness that person demonstrates, and I felt happier now that I no longer had to worry about whether or not my eye liner was running. I felt like I had cleared up space to focus on more important things, like my mental well-being.

With makeup:

Without makeup:

Now, after going several months without makeup, I allow myself the freedom to make choices about when to apply it (like when I perform on stage, for example), but my image of myself is no longer controlled by it. Success! This is just one example of how a societal expectation had permeated my mind without me even being aware of it, and how I decided to take control and free myself from the “beauty paradigm” that had started to define my self-image (and even, at times, my self-worth). So here I am, many months later, sitting in my living room, sipping tea, and reading a book called Bringing up Bebe. And low and behold, it also addresses the role social constructs play—in this case in raising children. In this book, the author describes the freedom she finds in being able to say, “C’est moi qui decide,” i.e. “it’s me who decides!”

I think this is quite appropriate given my current journey. I don’t want society to make my choices for me. I want to know what my options are and use my emotions and intellect to make the best, most informed choice. C’est moi qui decide! I might get it wrong sometimes, but as a teacher I am aware that mistakes can sometimes be the best opportunities.

No Shame

Yesterday, some Mormon missionaries came to my door. Now, in the past, this might have caused me to be struck with sudden anxiety and to mumble some excuse and quickly send them away (then felt ashamed for being so curt and ashamed that I was unable to stick up for my beliefs and ashamed to have beliefs that certain members of my family are disappointed by). But yesterday, something amazing happened. I invited them into my home.

I felt a sense of peace wrap itself around me, because I have spent the last 4 years (4 years since my last post!) still evaluating my beliefs. Four years researching, reading, observing, questioning, journaling, searching, and trying to understand emotions like anxiety or shame. And you know what I have come to realize after all that “soul-searching”? It is okay for me to have my own opinions and beliefs! Why should I feel ashamed? Because unlike some LDS members (or people of any other religion/non-religion for that matter), I have spent a lot of energy examining MANY beliefs, and have come to this one on my own. It is okay for me to agree with some parts of American society/beliefs/culture and disagree with others. I don't want to accept any belief or opinion that my family, my culture, or my society take for granted as "the way things are." So invited them in, knowing that I was at peace with my own beliefs, and they were welcome to share whatever they wanted with me.

Do I believe in God, they asked. I responded, "Not the Christian God. But perhaps a God in the sense of an energy or life force that connects living and non-living things in the universe." This felt good. I was stating my beliefs and felt no remorse. I still felt very zen.

Do I believe that family is important, they also asked. I responded, "Absolutely." There are many Christian values (actually just human values, since I am positive they exist with or without the help of Jesus Christ) that I hold true. Thinking of fellow humans as brother and sisters is a wonderful edict. I wish more of our society did this.

There were more questions, both on their part and mine, and the lack of their research and venturing outside of their paradigm became very clear to me. I learned more about their religion and requested that they leave a copy of the Book of Mormon with me, because I am interested in texts that are believed to be “Holy.” I think it is important to be educated about other beliefs/points of view in order to more thoroughly understand what you do, or do not, believe.

When they left, after I declined being baptized in Jesus Christ, I felt liberated. The shame I once had about not sharing the beliefs of the people around me is gone. I have my OWN thoughts, and they are neither good or bad--they just are (and they seem to work and not cause others harm). The work I have put into exploring other perspectives and opening my mind to new ideas is not complete, by any means, but it has taken me so far! I am excited to learn more and to continue to gain knowledge.

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching has become a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. – Bill W.”

Puerto Viejo: Monkeys, Crabs, and Mosquitoes, oh my!

How many people can say that they have swam in two different oceans all in the same day? Now I can! Let me back up though. The night before Evelyn left, we stayed at Hostel Pangea. It was a nice hostel with a pool and a restaurant in the hostel; our only complaint was that the walls were paper thin and it was difficult to sleep as a result.

After Evelyn left, I took the bus to an outlying city called Cuidad Colon where I followed detailed directions to find the family that was hosting me through couchsurfing.org. They were an older couple of "ex-patriots" who had raised their family in Costa Rica, and we had very interesting discussions, including one about homeschooling. The couple's children had been "un-schooled," meaning homeschool without a curriculum, and the couple firmly believed that this was the best way to educate a child and told me all the reasons that they believe this. They made me realize that I didn't know much about the origins of America's public education system, which they said was bascially Carnegie wanting workers for his companies and tailoring a system which discouraged critical thinking and instead promoted learning in order to work for the system. I have always felt like America's public education system seemed fundamentally flawed, but I still maintain that there are some real benefits to public schooling. I am going to have to take some time to do some research to learn more about the history of education and what has proven to be successful methods of education since I am about to teach in public schools and will one day have to decide how to educate my own children.

In Cuidad Colon, I saw lightning bugs and got to eat fresh eggs and chicken from the couple's farm. I also met another couchsurfer who was also staying at their home, Aime, who was from the southern-most city in Argentina and was traveling alone on a 5month journey through Central and South America. She was full of interesting stories, and I quickly learned that she was right in saying that when you travel alone, you are rarely ever by yourself. You get to meet so many people! Anyway, Aime and I were both unsure of where to go next, and our hosters recommended Puerto Viejo over Monteverde. So, the following morning, we took the bus to Puerto Viejo and felt the climate get more and more humid as we neared the Carribean side of Costa Rica.

Puerto Viejo turned out to be very different from Quepos. The atmosphere was relaxed even though there were more tourists and there was a large Jamaican population there. The hostel, Rockin J's, was certainly different. It was a playground for travelers from all over the world...reggae music blaring, hammocks and tents out in the open, dorm rooms that were very open as well, and mosaics covering all the walls. There was a beach right in front of the hostel, but it was very rocky and dirty. Aime and I said that if all the beaches were like this, we were leaving right away. But they weren't, which we discovered the next day after we rented bikes and rode an hour to Manzanillo, where the beaches were sandy and much more like what we had hoped from the Carribean. We drank matte on the beach and talked in Spanish about Argentina, her journey, and a multitude of other things. On the way back to Puerto Viejo on our bikes, I heard a howl that sounded like a dinosaur, and looked up in the canopy and saw 6 howler monkeys...some mothers with babies and some males! I watched as they hung upside down from brached by their tails and picked off leaves and ate them. Their human-like movements were fascinating...I suddenly understood why Jane Goodall could devote her life to studying such animals. Right after seeing the monkeys, I saw a centipede cross the road. It was a beautiful bike ride, and I was very happy to have gotten to be on a bike! Quepos doesn't really have places to rent bikes, but I guess that is because the roads are so dangerous. I guess they haven't heard of sidewalks in Quepos...

Aime became a good friend quickly, and we went out at night to meet some of the locals and play pool with them, and dance to live reggae music. We had a great time, and even were serenaded by a local on his banjo! Oh, and here is the mystery of Puerto Viejo: crabs cross the road to get AWAY from the ocean at night. So the mystery is: why did the crab cross the road? If anyone knows where these crabs are going, I would be very interested to find out.

The only downside to all of the adventure in Puerto Viejo was the mosquitoes. And what a downside: I woke up after the first night in my tent with legs that looked like they had chicken pox. I had over 100 mosquito bites and got more the next night. So I moved to a hotel with screens for my final night and was very happy with that decision.

I told Aime that I would visit her in Argentina next summer, and I meant it! I am planning out my one month Panama to Argentina 2012 trip in my mind even now. And I plan on learning to speak Spanish much better before then.

Anyway, Aime headed off to Panama and I headed back to Quepos, where I am now. I've decided that Quepos is my favorite place to be in Costa Rica, and I was welcomed back warmly to Hostel Pura Vida, where there are no mosquitoes and there is air conditioning. I felt like a spoiled city girl missing the comforts of life such as screened windows and air conditioning, while I was dying of heat at night in my tent in Puerto Viejo, but I can say now that, after all, I do enjoy some of the luxuries of the United States. Ok there: I admitted it!

More Costa Rica updates tomorrow! Pura Vida!

Examining Beliefs in Costa Rica

My time in Quepos was so wonderful that I almost cried on the bus ride back to San Jose. The experiences were memorable, but by far, the people made the whole experience unforgettable. Over the course of three days, Evelyn and I got to know the staff there and joke with them, play cards with them, go out with them, and have deep discussions with them. I sometimes have a hard time opening up and getting to know people and breaking the ice, but that is Evelyn's strength, and I am so happy for it! Also, I have to put a plug here for the Pura Vida Hostel, as it is the best hostel I have stayed at so far (out of three) because it is clean, cozy, it is ideally located (it is like a tree house at the top of a hill), and, mostly, because of the amicable staff that we met. I definitely want to go back there someday as there are more beaches I did not explore and Manuel Antonio National Park that I did not get to go to.

However, now that I am back in San Jose on my own, after saying goodbye with great difficulty to Evelyn, I am going to try and see other areas of Costa Rica. Tonight I stay with a host family in a town near San Jose and am excited to meet and share with more people. Then I plan to visit some national parks and see the volcanoes here and head on to Monteverde.

I am learning so much about others being here and practicing a little Spanish whenever I can. Other people have so much to offer and it is amazing learning about how different cultures can be and yet how similar we all are in matters of the heart. We even met three gals from Israel at the hostel who had just finished their army service (apparently, all men and women in Israel are required by law to be in the army for two years)! When I told them my name (Miriam), they immediately said, "Oh, so you're Jewish?" I've never heard that response before! I have also met people from all over the United States, and from Switzerland, and Canada...the moral of this story is, if you would like to travel, it is possible to do so fairly cheaply and I recommend going outside of your comfort zone and expanding your horizons to everyone. The theme of my blog is to examine your beliefs, and what better way to do so than to learn about the beliefs, cultures, and lifestyles of others and to see how your beliefs fit in to a completely different paradigm and culture? This is the ultimate mental exercise and has also taught me how much I take for granted in America. Sometimes I focus so much energy on the problems that the United States is facing that I forget the positive aspects of living there.

I have one week left here and may not have internet access for a while. But if I do, I will keep blogging! Hope everyone in the USA had a great Fouth of July and thought about the freedoms that they have and the ones that we are going to have to fight to keep. I have been thinking on this during my whole trip. Hasta luego!

Pura Vida

Days 2,3, and 4...June 30th, July 1, and July 2:

The Ticos's motto here is "Pura Vida," but on the 4 hour bus ride to Manuel Antonio from San Jose, I observed a lot of poverty that did not seem like the "good life" to me. While we were in San Jose, I walked over a homeless person sleeping under a trash bag without even noticing him. My friend only noticed him because his toes were sticking out. It's hard to believe that in the midst of so much natural beauty, there is still so much hardship. I wonder how we can evenly distribute the world’s resources so that there aren't such huge gaps...

Once we reached Manuel Antonio, we decided to stay at a hostel called Pura Vida...a good decision! We got great service: a free ride to the hostel, the two fine looking gentlemen carried our bags to our room, and the room was much cleaner than Tranquilo Backpackers. The hostel is located on a hill, surrounded by greenery and palm trees.

Yesterday morning we ventured further into Manuel Antonio to Playa Biezans, which was recommended by one of the employees at Pura Vida. To get to the beach, we descended a trail that cut through what looked like a jungle, and passed a small cabin with the common (in this area) tin rooftops and chickens. I love all the chickens here. Anyway, when we reached the beach, it took my breath away. I have been to many beaches, but none like this. Since a picture is worth a thousand words:



We heard lots of English at the beach but also heard French and Spanish. So I got to speak all three in one day! We had so much fun: exploring coves, burying ourselves in the sand, playing beach ball, and paddling around in a kayak:




After the beach, we rested a bit at the hostel and then ate dinner at an elegant restaurant along the side of the street in downtown Quepos. We discovered that even Italian food is better here and that a mango streudel is an amazing desert! Later, I danced to Salsa music played by a live band at a place called Bambu Jam and I loved getting to experience some of the night life here.

The next day, we took a break from the beach (since I am thoroughly sunburned) and joined MidWorld tours for a tour of the rainforest canopy via 15 zip-lines. I had never zip-lined before and it sure was an adrenaline rush to look down and see the lush, dense rainforest canopy flying by around me and beneath me.




We even saw a mother sloth and her baby. I was disappointed that we didn't see monkeys or toucans, but there is time for that yet. :) Then they fed us a traditional meal: fish or chicken with rice and beans, picadillo, salsa, and salad (like shredded red cabbage with tomatoes and cucumbers). Evelyn and I were the only ones on our tours, so it was like our own VIP tour! And the tour guides were fun to joke with: we talked (in English and in Spanish) about their favorite music, what they liked to do for fun, if they knew about the US's war in the middle East (which they didn't...Costa Rica having no army and being as pacifistic as they are...and good for them), and they sang us a bit of Ranchero music in exchange for a bit of the Mariachi songs I know. Tomorrow we are off to Jacos and Playa Hermosa and a new adventure!

Costa Rica Day 1

Estoy in Costa Rica! After taking SUCH a long trip to make it to Reunion Island this past winter, I came to associate tropical climates with never-ending flights, but suddenly, after only 5 hours of flying, I found myself once again in a tropical climate and a dirty but quaint city full of typically crazy city drivers. I felt very comfortable. I am traveling with someone this time (that may have helped make the plane ride shorter), and she had never been out of the country, so I got to witness her excitement over her first palm trees, first view of an island from a plane, etc. with the same excitement that I had felt my first time. We stayed our first night at a home-y hostel that greeted us with reggae music and a laid-back atmosphere. The walls in our small room were neon green and yellow and people had drawn on them. I instantly knew I was going to like staying at hostels, especially after chatting with some of the other guests here. I met a a girl from California and one from Australia who make jewelry and sell it to fund their travels (from April to December they are driving around South America!). I caved and bought a ring...nothing like supporting fellow travelers and getting nice jewelry out of it. :) I also was able to practice some Spanish, but I find it frustrating not to be fluent in the language. I always feel empowered in France, and now I am anxious to learn Spanish quickly so that I am not just "an American tourist" in a foreign country. Most of the people here have been so friendly, but while I ate the most delicious home-made pancakes at the hostel this morning, I felt inadequate because I could hardly speak with a guy from Argentinia and a gal from Italy and they clearly saw me as inferior because I was American. But, I will not let that discourage me. Oh, and my friend tried her first coke with real sugar (as opposed to the high-fructose corn syrup American variety) and loved it so much that she ordered two. Who would have thought that there are better and worse varieties of sugar-water? And she was astonished that my fish was served head and all. I am used to it though, but had to laugh as she tried to pry its fried jaw open to see all the teeth. :) So far so fun, and now we leave this hostel to journey out of the city and in to a quieter, less touristy area by the beach. Hasta luego!

Our Mission

Our mission, should we choose to accept it, involves the recovery of a stolen item designated "Life."

Have you, as I have, ever tried to observe other people's lifestyles as someone from another planet might and wondered "What is wrong with these people?" We live in a world where many societies have an infrastructure built on materialism, isolation, exploitation, and greed (and America may well be the ring-leader). We have committed horrible acts of violence against other members of our own species simply because of differences among us: race (the slave trade), religion (the Crusades), personal gain (the decimation of 9 million Native Americans so Europeans could "claim" America), sexual orientation (I still hear offensive ignorant statements like, "I am happy I don't have to talk to that 'fag'"), and various other differences. However, the very reason that the earth is so unique is because of this amazing variety, found between species, climate, and geography! Our planet is amazing!

“A weird, lovely, fantastic object out of nature…has the ability to remind us…that out there is a different world, older and greater and deeper by far than ours…for a little while, we are able to see, as a child sees, a world of marvels…” -Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire

I feel like I have always had a very deep appreciation for this “world of marvels.” In fact, from a young age, I always felt more connected with the natural world than with most of my peers. I did not fit into their world of material joys. So at the end of the school day, I happily turned to “The Fields” and all of its marvels. The Fields invited me with its nonjudgmental expanse and its promise of adventure. I spent many a day catching tadpoles in the pond (and then releasing them); building forts with booby-traps around them (to keep out the boys); digging The Hole in the hopes to unearth Dinosaur bones (I never found any, but I think The Hole’s record depth reached 3 ½ feet…a lot back then); sledding on Devil’s Hill (the more wipe-outs the better). The Fields were my haven, my best friend, the only place that resonated with my spirit.



But, in this case, all good things would come to an end. I started having one particular nightmare as I entered into the turbulent age of the “pre-teen.” I was hovering over the fields on a magic carpet, watching, in horror, as my favorite tree, dubbed “Goldenbark,” was bulldozed down and replaced by a road that wound through the fields, also cutting through my favorite hideout, “The Cave,” where the namesake cave had long since eroded into a hill after a severe rainstorm. Every nook that I had known—The Cave, Devil’s Hill, the trail with black dirt that led to the broken down couch where Bloody Mary was rumored to live—all of it was erased and suddenly I was looking upon row upon row of identical buildings.


RIP The Fields.

“For there is a cloud on my horizon. A small, dark cloud no bigger than my hand. Its name is Progress.” -Edward Abbey

Unfortunately, that nightmare became a reality. The Fields, as they once were, are now a housing development. Once again, the profit of the market overshadowed the value of the earth. My hallowed hideouts now only lingering in my memory.

Langston Hughes once asked what happens to a dream deferred. “Does it explode?”
As I watch the media, drugs, and an all-around indifference take over the lives of younger generations…heck, even my generation, I am forced to wonder if a dream deferred implodes, leaving its owner in a state of apathy…or worse, as a black hole consuming the light and substance of others. In fact, there appear to be two main evils: those indifferent to the world’s beauty and those actively destroying it. Those absorbed in meaningless reality shows, in one haze of a high after another, and those greedily paving over fields to slap together cheap houses to sell for far more than what they are worth.

Nobody seems to know what they want out of life anymore. There seems to be a lack of goals. Of passion. Is this being purposefully orchestrated by the higher-ups of our society, or is this just a natural side-effect of “progress?”

Either way, I have stood by mutely long enough. Wake up people! Stop drugging yourselves—both literally and through the media and materialism. The keys to life can be found in nature. Your mission, to reclaim your “life” can only be initiated when you clear your mind and open your eyes. We are given one brief shot at this life, and I, for one, don’t want to spend that life enslaved and unaware. I want to spend it thoughtful, reflective, informed...as free as I can be! I don’t want to watch the fate of the The Fields be repeated everywhere.

“Our journey here on earth…is the most strange and daring of all adventures.”
–Edward Abbey

Let us embark on this adventure, let us fight for a more informed, more impassioned, more meaningful life. This is our mission...will we choose to accept?