C’est Moi Qui Decide

I am not sure when I first starting asking the question. That questions that starts to deconstruct our behavior patterns, the truths we take for granted---the question that starts us on the journey of un-learning all that we have, often subconsciously, learned. This question: how many of our beliefs are based on “reality” and how many of them are based on societal constructs? I believe that the answer isn’t as important as the search for the answer. It is in the discovery that we become closer to what Buddhists would refer to as “enlightened” and what I believe to be a very important form of freedom. As the ancient Greeks said, “know thyself.”

And let me tell you, it is tough. It is a life-long process.

Let’s start with one example of how I shed the skin of a societal construct. It might seem like a minor example, but it had a major effect on taking decisions (worded this way by the French instead of “making decisions”) for my life. After reading up on the chemicals used to create make-up products, I decided that I was going to stop wearing eyeliner and eye shadow on a daily basis. I bought mascara without the toxic chemicals, and still apply that sometimes, but basically decided to be make-up free. Here is what I learned. Society had changed my own mental image of my beauty. For the first month without makeup, I felt like I was “ugly,” “plain.” I dreaded how my middle-school students were going to respond the first day I came to school without makeup. But, actually, very few of them commented, except to say, “there is something different about you today…”

After one month, makeup “free,” I suddenly looked in the mirror and felt like I saw ‘me’—and I was beautiful to myself! I remembered that beauty wasn’t so much about looks, but about the aura a person radiates and the kindness that person demonstrates, and I felt happier now that I no longer had to worry about whether or not my eye liner was running. I felt like I had cleared up space to focus on more important things, like my mental well-being.

With makeup:

Without makeup:

Now, after going several months without makeup, I allow myself the freedom to make choices about when to apply it (like when I perform on stage, for example), but my image of myself is no longer controlled by it. Success! This is just one example of how a societal expectation had permeated my mind without me even being aware of it, and how I decided to take control and free myself from the “beauty paradigm” that had started to define my self-image (and even, at times, my self-worth). So here I am, many months later, sitting in my living room, sipping tea, and reading a book called Bringing up Bebe. And low and behold, it also addresses the role social constructs play—in this case in raising children. In this book, the author describes the freedom she finds in being able to say, “C’est moi qui decide,” i.e. “it’s me who decides!”

I think this is quite appropriate given my current journey. I don’t want society to make my choices for me. I want to know what my options are and use my emotions and intellect to make the best, most informed choice. C’est moi qui decide! I might get it wrong sometimes, but as a teacher I am aware that mistakes can sometimes be the best opportunities.

No Shame

Yesterday, some Mormon missionaries came to my door. Now, in the past, this might have caused me to be struck with sudden anxiety and to mumble some excuse and quickly send them away (then felt ashamed for being so curt and ashamed that I was unable to stick up for my beliefs and ashamed to have beliefs that certain members of my family are disappointed by). But yesterday, something amazing happened. I invited them into my home.

I felt a sense of peace wrap itself around me, because I have spent the last 4 years (4 years since my last post!) still evaluating my beliefs. Four years researching, reading, observing, questioning, journaling, searching, and trying to understand emotions like anxiety or shame. And you know what I have come to realize after all that “soul-searching”? It is okay for me to have my own opinions and beliefs! Why should I feel ashamed? Because unlike some LDS members (or people of any other religion/non-religion for that matter), I have spent a lot of energy examining MANY beliefs, and have come to this one on my own. It is okay for me to agree with some parts of American society/beliefs/culture and disagree with others. I don't want to accept any belief or opinion that my family, my culture, or my society take for granted as "the way things are." So invited them in, knowing that I was at peace with my own beliefs, and they were welcome to share whatever they wanted with me.

Do I believe in God, they asked. I responded, "Not the Christian God. But perhaps a God in the sense of an energy or life force that connects living and non-living things in the universe." This felt good. I was stating my beliefs and felt no remorse. I still felt very zen.

Do I believe that family is important, they also asked. I responded, "Absolutely." There are many Christian values (actually just human values, since I am positive they exist with or without the help of Jesus Christ) that I hold true. Thinking of fellow humans as brother and sisters is a wonderful edict. I wish more of our society did this.

There were more questions, both on their part and mine, and the lack of their research and venturing outside of their paradigm became very clear to me. I learned more about their religion and requested that they leave a copy of the Book of Mormon with me, because I am interested in texts that are believed to be “Holy.” I think it is important to be educated about other beliefs/points of view in order to more thoroughly understand what you do, or do not, believe.

When they left, after I declined being baptized in Jesus Christ, I felt liberated. The shame I once had about not sharing the beliefs of the people around me is gone. I have my OWN thoughts, and they are neither good or bad--they just are (and they seem to work and not cause others harm). The work I have put into exploring other perspectives and opening my mind to new ideas is not complete, by any means, but it has taken me so far! I am excited to learn more and to continue to gain knowledge.

“For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching has become a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. – Bill W.”